My massage goes by too fast 6

too fastPeople love their massages, but bemoan that their time just went by too quickly.  Never fear – you can get a great massage while feeling like time is  hardly moving at Main Street Massage.

Let’s get started!

First, make yourself uncomfortable on our special sandpaper lined sheets.  Every move you make will be an adventure.   You’ll need to be extra careful turning over.  I’ll toss in some gravel and maybe something slimy also.

Another important element for massage is sound.  You can choose from our notable teeth-clenching collection:

* Howling Banshees

* Colicky baby

* Faceoff:  Jackhammers vs. Chainsaws

* Soundtrack from Calculus! – The Musical

* If you need the time to go by really slowly – and this is not for the faint of heart – political commercials.

I’ll set the temperature to an invigorating 40 degrees or so, and will keep a bowl of ice water close by to dip my hands in if they happen to start warming up.

The room will be very dry and I’ll shuffle my feel a lot to give you a stimulating static shock when you need it.

The table will be set up with one side higher than the other so you feel like you may slide off.  To offset the hold of the sandpaper I’ll oil up the sides of the table to keep you from getting a good grip.

Aromatherapy is also very important.  Among the options are:

* Hint of skunk

* Freshly scraped road kill

* Dude, don’t step in that

Any or all of these are guaranteed to make your massage feel like it went so much slowly than usual.  Of course, if you prefer, we can just do a regular massage without any of these extras.  It’s up to you.

Barry is a licensed Massage Therapist at Main Street Massage in Hudson, Ohio.  Find out more about him, his business, and massage at

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